Why are you even here? I never asked for you to be here? Can you go now, please? Pretty please? You're making my life a misery and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of you. Your this big bad bully that never goes and this overcasting dark shadow which never leaves me alone. I don't want you here anymore.
What did I do to deserve you? Why do I deserve all this pain, discomfort and distress? Is it because I'm a bad person? Did I do something wrong? Is it genetics? Was I always going to have OCD? Is it innate? Was it me? Was I working too hard? Too much stress? But I thought it was the bullies? Why does the pain continue even though I haven't seen these horrible people in months?
You crept up on me silently with deafening consequences. You made me feel like nothing was wrong, but then I started to realise. I felt like I was going mad, insane, crazy. I didn't know what to do. You had this overwhelming ability something which I have not witnessed before. You had control over me, and I couldn't fight back. I had no hope. You made me weak. Weaker than I had ever felt before. I didn't know what to do.
You're one of my oldest friend, OCD. Although I have only been officially diagnosed for a few months now, we go way back. Way way back! When I was as young as 10, I went around checking the house for cracks and mould convinced the house was going to fall down. I asked my parents constantly if the smoke detector was in and if the doors had been locked. I worried for hours on end that something bad would happen if I didn't have my fingers and toes crossed at all times. Although these habits were eventually grown out of, they were only replaced with new ones. You really like me don't you OCD? You just can't give me a break?
Your so cruel OCD. You affect my life in so many ways. More than I could ever imagine and you know it. You know the damage you are causing, and I bet you are so proud, chuffed with yourself. Why do you make me eat crisps with a spoon? Why do you make me poor bleach over my hands? Am I an easy target? You ruin my clothes, you stop me going out and living my life like I want to, you make people stare at me in public like I have five heads or something. Why? Just why?
You know very well that it's not just my mental health you're affecting. Oh no, you know that you are wrecking my physical health as well. My hands. What are you doing to my hands? They bleed, they sting, they burn, why do you make me do this to myself? You make me so tired, more tired than I have ever felt before. I thought sleep was supposed to make you feel refreshed? Expect you make me feel like I have just run a marathon. Every single day. Just give me a break. Please.
You know what, yeah okay you may be winning the battle at the moment, but I tell you one thing- you will not win the war! I have battled with you for long enough, diagnosed and undiagnosed. I've just about had enough. You may have control over me at the moment. I may surrender to your every command now but I won't in the future.
I'm going to find strength. Strength. It may take me a while. It may take me a few attempts. But I will get there. One day. You will tell me to do something and I will tell you no. I'm better than the bully inside my head. You know the thing about bullies is they are actually very weak. They find their strength in making others suffer. OCD you are no different. I'm better and bigger than you. I will put up a fight.
I've got my blog, my blogging friends and the whole blogging community behind me- who have you got supporting you? No one! I'm going to find strength in my blog. I'm going to find strength in my support group. I am going to use my experiences to help others who have to battle with you, a pathetic and cowardly mental illness.
One day I will be able to do the things I want to do, and you won't be able to stop me! I will live a happy, fulfilling and normal life again, doing the things that make me happy. You might always be hanging about OCD, kinda like that friend you've known since reception which no matter how hard to try you just always seem to be forced together. But you are no friend of mine, and you will not always be welcome around here.
Don't make yourself comfortable OCD. You won't be staying around for long. I'm strong, and I'm not going to put up with you anymore.
Thanks for reading, as always X