First of all, I would like to say I am not clinically diagnosed with anxiety or any other mental health disorder. I know the way I think is not normal, or at least compared to those around me, it isn't.
Today I thought I would share with you all the thoughts I go through on a daily basis that trigger anxiety. This snippet was taken from when I used to go to a nursery for my college placement situated on the grounds of a hospital. Enjoy!
Little side note here, blog posts during April and May are not going to be as regular as before. Due to masses of deadlines and essays, I do not have the time to upload every other day for the next two months. This also means that #SpeakUp posts and #SpeakUp chats won't be happening as often either! However, after May I have a lot of exciting things planned for my blog- so watch the space! I am sure you will all understand as I suspect lots of you are going through the same at the moment too!
Phew! Two minutes till my alarm goes off. I haven't overslept. What would I do if I overslept? Would I be late? Would I have enough time to do my hair? Would people judge me for not having nice hair?
Okay, breakfast time. Put my toast on. On exactly....the right setting. What if my toaster blew up right now? Or caught on fire? Could I Escape? How would I unlock the door? Okay, it's popped! That's it, put it all on the plate in the right order.
Ohh... I really don't have an appetite for eating right now. Maybe I am sick? But I haven't been sick? Maybe I have an underlying health condition. I will google that later.
I am going to be late! Would I have to ring if I was going to be late? I hate the phone!
Phew! It's 6:27 the exact time I leave. Have I got everything? I will check one more time? Okay, I think I have. I will just say everything out loud so I know I have it. Time to lock the door. Yep, I definitely have done it. Just check one more time. And again.
What if I am late for my bus? Okay, it's not there yet, that's good. 6:33 exactly 10 minutes early perfect. Okay, it's 6:44, it should be here now. Ah, here it is. Why aren't it's indicators on? Why isn't it pulling in? Do I put my arm out? I have my purse in my hand doesn't that indicate I want to get on? Phew! He's pulling over!
Did I just ask for the right ticket? Did I give enough money? What if I got the wrong ticket and didn't realise? It's okay I have the right ticket. Now I can still down in my favourite seat at the front
I think we are going to be late. We are normally there by this time. Okay, I can see the bus station. I must stand up to be the first person off. Do people think I am wired for sitting in the same seat every day?
Okay, I have three minutes to get to my next bus. Okay, I can see it, it's going to be okay! What if it pulled away right now? Do I run? It's okay I will catch it! What if I dropped my ticket and it went under the bus what would I do? It's okay, I am sat down on my favourite seat. Do I know anyone on this bus? I hope I don't!
Good, I am here! 30 minutes before I need to be exactly! Time for the toilet. I mustn't touch the door handle. Okay, I am in! There must be so many germs in here. Time to wash my hands twice. I need to go. It's 7:55, time to go. I hope the hand sanitizer hasn't run out. Omg, it's run out! I am going to get norovirus and be sick. I mustn't touch that doorbell.
Phew, it's lunch time. Step 1. Hand sanitise my hands on the way in. Step 2. Que. for the toilet. Step 3. Wash hands twice. Step 4. Hand sanitise my hands on the way into the restaurant. Step 5. Hand sanitise my hands using my own hand gel in my bag. Now I can finally eat. But I touched kids all morning. I can't touch my food. I will only eat the chocolate bar because I can hold the wrapper.
What if I become sick? How would I escape? I can't be sick in front of people? Okay, it's 12:53 it's time to go back now.
Oh god, I only have an hour left and I need to get my register signed. Only 30 minutes left. 15 minutes.. 5 minutes. Come on...please stop talking. But I don't want to be rude and interrupt? My heart beats getting faster. My chest hurts. My hands are going clammy. It's going to be okay. I am going to miss my bus. I am going to be late. Phew, she's finished. I can leave. Yay, I got the bus on time!
Do I have to touch that bell? How many people have touched that before me? Is that the right bus? I will just check one more time? Phew, I am on my last bus home for the day, in my seat. And it's on time, keeping to the routine.
After my shower, I must do that essay. Can I have tonight off? No Nicole if you don't work you will fail and end of never achieving anything in life. Nicole, you need to work to succeed. Nicole, work work work.
It's okay I can go to bed now. Did I lock the door? Did I get my things ready for tomorrow? Is my outfit ready? What's that noise out there? Is that a light I see? Oh, it's nothing! I can't check, what if something is there? I will just stuff my head in my pillow.
Exhausting stuff, right? This isn't even everything. If I documented every thought that I had that triggered my anxiety- I would be there forever.
I hope this could help open people's eyes to people who don't have anxiety and maybe you could stop telling people like me to stop worrying- because I really can't. Just because you aren't diagnosed with a mental health condition it doesn't mean that you don't have a daily battle with that voice inside your head.
Thanks for reading, as always X