Monday, 22 August 2016

9 Lies My OCD Tells Me



You guys know I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), and I am very open about it here on my blog. A lot of you have very kindly said that you had learnt a lot from my posts in the past about emetophobia and OCD which is reassuring to hear, but some of you don't completely understand it or want to find out more about the disorder.

As part of my recovery process, I like to write down some of the intrusive thoughts I have in my head. I call these lies. There lies my brain tells me because it wants to trick me into thinking things that aren't true. Sometimes I can stand against them, and sometimes I can't. OCD is not just about being neat, clean or liking order- far from it. It's a serious and debilitating mental illness. 

Unfortunately, I'm not the only person that has to live with this devil of a disorder. Through blogging, I have met lots of other supportive and understanding individuals who also struggle with OCD, one of those being Naomi from Tea time with Naomi. Today we are both going to be talking about lies our OCD tells us. Please check out her post, as OCD affects suffers very differently, meaning that I on my own will never be able to give you an accurate reflection of what OCD is like for everyone. 


1. That I am a bad person 
We all have worried that we have done something bad, or we will do something bad in the future from time to time, this is completely normal. We are guilty, feel like we have hurt someone who done something and regretted it afterwards. But these feelings shortly pass, and you get on with your day. But imagine waking up every morning with your voice inside of your head telling you are a bad person, that you are leading a bad life, you are going to do bad things in the future, for no reason whatsoever. This happens to me every day. I worry I don't wash my hands enough, which makes me a bad person because I will make someone ill or I have said something that has offended someone or I have done something wrong, no matter how insignificant that thing is, it makes me a bad person. 

2. That if I throw away a bottle of hand sanistser even if it's empty something bad will happen or I will hurt someone 
Yep, even though the rational part of my brain knows that's absolutely ridiculous, my OCD is much stronger and controlling. I have a lot of empty bottles of hand sanister, stored away neatly in lines in my bedside draw. If I throw even one of these away, I fear that I will get ill and infect/ kill everyone around me. Therefore I can not bear to part with them not even one. Even the thought of putting one in the bin my OCD will flood my brain with horrible and intrusive thoughts. 

3. Every door handle, switch, plug, stair rail or surface is infected with harmful and dangerous germs and bacteria 
If I ever met you in real life, one of the first things you will notice is that I will always be wearing long sleeves and tights/ jeans. There are many different reasons for this. Firstly, it provides me a barrier from all the germs and contamination. I can pull it over my hand and open doors, hold handles, etc. Which doesn't make me look abnormal which I would do if I wore gloves. However, always having my body covered up means I suffer in the heat. Summer and I, we're not friends. Secondly, it means that I can hide my hands when they are sore, red and bleeding. Sometimes my OCD plays tricks on me, and it makes me forget how I opened a door or closed it, did I use a sleeve or did I use my hand? My mind goes blank so to stop the thoughts I have to repeat the action over and over again to ensure I haven't touched it. 

9 Lies My OCD Tells Me anxiety mental health illness support anxiety depression help charity OCD Action UK

4. That if I pour neat bleach on my hands, I will be clean and won't get ill which subsequently means I can't harm those around me
This is the most dangerous and severe compulsion that I perform; it's equally the one I desperately want to stop. Soap never makes me feel clean. I could wash my hands 30 times, but I still won't be clean. I soon started to use diluted bleach, but that wasn't good enough either. My OCD tricks me into thinking that bleach will solve all my problems and will make my hands clean. Of course, I want to stop the thoughts, so I comply at a very large cost to my physical health and comfort. 

5. If I learn to drive, I will kill someone or the passengers, and I will be a murderer. 
This is something I have wanted to talk about for ages on my blog, but never have got around to it. I'm 17, and I can't drive, I haven't even had a driving lesson or ordered a provisional license. The main reason for this is because of my intrusive thoughts about driving. My OCD lies to me and tells me that when I am in a car, I have no control. I will run someone over, drive the vehicle off the cliff on purpose or crash into something and hurt others because I am a bad person and a murder. I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about driving even when I am a passenger in a car. I have horrible images appear in my head that I have no control over. It really upsets me seeing all my friends passing their tests and me not even being able to sit in driving seat of a car without having a panic attack.

6. If I have a child, I will kill it and be a murderer.
One day I would love to have a child but in my current condition, I don't even know if it would be possible. Yes, you may be thinking changing a shitty nappy would be challenging for my OCD or risk of sick with my emetophobia would be tough, you're right but the main reason for me not wanting to have a child is because of all the intrusive thoughts I have about killing the baby. I worry that I would purposely forget to take he/she for their vacations, and they would die as a result, and I would be a murder, or I would shake my baby to death, drop it down the stairs on purpose or purposely feed it the wrong food. A fear of germs and sick would never stop me having a child but the uncontrollable intrusive thoughts would. 

9 Lies My OCD Tells Me anxiety mental health illness support advice anxiety depression

7. Everyone around me feels sick and has been sick recently, and I am going to be infected, infect and kill my loved ones around me.
A simple walk to the post office can be a real challenge for me. I could walk past 20 people and each time my OCD would replay the same thoughts in my head. It tells me that everyone around me as been sick recently or they have something that would cause me to be sick on their hands, which they might have passed on to a door handle when they touched it and what if I touch it. If I get sick, I am going to pass it on to everyone around me, and they will die as a result, and I will be a murder. I am constantly being told by the voice in my head that people feel sick, and they are going to be sick over me, meaning I will be infected and die as a result. 

8. I won't get a tummy bug or be sick if I wash my hands over and over again of if I Scrub and burn them till they bleed. 
Although I hate putting myself through the pain, my OCD lies to me and tells me I have to do it. Otherwise, all these bad things will happen. A short 10 minutes of pain is nothing compared to death, serve illness or being sick, which my OCD tells me would come as a result of not performing my compulsions. I wish I could just wash my hands once, like everyone else, but my OCD won't let me. Once is never enough. Five times is never enough. 20 times is not sufficient. I will never be clean unless I am in pain and bleeding. 

9. If I make physical contact with another person, it means that I will get ill, infect those around me and I will be a dirty human being 
This is one of the hardest thoughts and obsessions I have to deal with. It's really upsetting not to be able to kiss or hug your parents properly. It's horrible being scared of getting into a relationship with someone because I will have to touch them. They won't understand, leave, and I will be alone forever. This obsession even makes me scared ever to have a child in the future. Which is a really really distressing thought. I struggle daily with this obsession. When I go out, I worry that someone will accidentally touch me, or be sick over me and then I will be contaminated forever and forever. Although I am not housebound, I find any excuse not to leave the house, and if I have to, I am extremely panicky and stressed because of the uncontrollable obsessions in my head. 

It's pretty, though! But I get through! Somedays are better than others but I do my best, and that's all I can do. I hope you found this post informative and gave you a greater insight into living with OCD is like. Please don't forget to check out Namoi's post about OCD HERE. 

Thank you for reading, as always X
SHARE:

25 comments

  1. Not going to lie, I actually have tears in my eyes right now because it makes me so sad that you have to deal with all of this. I have so much respect for you and you know how much I admire you for sharing your experiences with OCD so openly. I just want you to know that you're a wonderful person x

    Sara’sChapters

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara, Why are you so lovely? Honestly, thank you so much! Your comments and support always mean so much to me xx

      Delete
  2. You're very brave for sharing this and for that I applaud you. When I was very young I think I had OCD (non-diagnosed), but the hand washing, having to touch things with both hands or feet, chewing food a number of times etc. and then I ended up with Panic Disorder from the age of 13. Thank you for fighting the fight to remove the stigma of Mental Health, I'm very open too, so I hope we can each make a small difference. Good luck on your journey. Lauren xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Lauren! I hope we can make a difference, even it's only a little bit x

      Delete
  3. This post was amazingly informative. Thank you for writing it and I'm so glad I read it and got to better understand OCD. You are doing so amazing with all your efforts to tackle this bummer of a thing called OCD; you are amazing! I've managed a difficult thing that I've had since I was about 11 (don't like to talk about it because everyone has it and I don't want people to think I just say it XD) and I managed to overcome it and I never ever thought I would and I just wanted to say that the best thing that helped me overcome it was facing my fears literally. I understand that everyone is different but I just wanted to share my method of tackling a similar thing that involves fear because it actually worked for me and I never thought I would be free from it. Life feels so beautiful! Best of luck with everything lovely and thank you again for the fab post! You are a wonderful and amazing human being! Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw wow! Thank you so much for your lovely comment x

      Delete
  4. As you know I suffer with emetophobia as well and I have to carry hand sanitiser around with me at all times - although I don't suffer with OCD. I can now see the daily struggles and how difficult it must be to live with it. Much respect for this post Nicole!

    Lucy | Forever September

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I really respect you as well Lucy for being so open about your struggles xx

      Delete
  5. Can't believe I've only just found you and your blog. I'm glad you wrote this post <3 I'm gonna include it in my Bookmarked post for tomorrow if that's OK? I don't have OCD but I think it's one MI that people really don't understand, so thank you for writing this. I hope it was somewhat therapeutic writing it down? Is the medication helping at all? I'm in recovery from severe depression, my meds have luckily really helped. Though my last counsellor and dr both said they think I have (complex) PTSD and am suffering from trauma. Dr also mentioned dermatillomania, which is related to OCD as it's a compulsion, but it's nothing like what you describe here.

    Imma just stalk through the rest of your blog now, I already love it here :) sending good vibes!

    Amber Love Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, that would be great! Thank you! The medication helps a bit but therapy and my group sessions help more! Yes, it really helps me to write everything down! haha! thank you so much! xx

      Delete
  6. Massive round of applause for sharing this with everybody, you have a lot of followers who care about you and it's brave to put all this out there!

    Libfemblog.com xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. You're so very brave Nicole and I hope your fight carries on going good xx

    Sophie | Sophie's Spot

    ReplyDelete
  8. I find you so unbelievably inspiring Nicole - your openness about your struggles is so brave but also so extremely important as you're really challenging the stigma of MH discussion. Stay strong beautiful, you're amazing xx
    http://www.britishmermaid.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Cara! That really means the world to me! xx

      Delete
  9. I love that you shared this post and I wish more people would talk about things like this! Actually I just wish in general that more people would share their mental health journeys so that it's not something that people feel like they need to hide. I know with myself I struggle with anxiety and one of the worst things about having it is that I often feel like I can't talk about it with anyone because people just don't understand or don't want to. I tend to wash my hands a lot as well and that combined with the boxing that I do means my hands are currently red, cut and bleeding which is really painful. The bleach on your hands must be extremely painful as well so I'm sure you definitely know how I feel in terms of hand pain!

    www.thesundaymode.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh I really do lovely! Yes, I agree lovely I think more people should share their mental health journeys because they are nothing to be embarrassed about x

      Delete
  10. Keep fighting against or OCD, you're stronger!
    xx

    Mia | my-world-vibes.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aw Nicole this post made me tear up because I could relate so much. Even when I've been away from blogging, I've been keeping up with your posts because it's reassuring seeing someone go through similar things and it really helps how open you are about it all. It's so inspiring. You're doing so well everyday and following your journey is helping so many! You have an amazing mind Nicole and your blog is so much bigger than you know, it really helps a lot. I hope you're doing well and just remember you're so strong for fighting this everyday X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw Sophie! I don't know what I would do without out, I really don't! xx

      Delete
  12. Hi lovely. I don't have OCD but I take fluoxetine for depression. It is beginning to work now but I had an awful lot of sideeffects for a while x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah lovely! I had side effects when I first started but mine settled down after a while x

      Delete
  13. My mum has had OCD for as long as I can remember! It was a dirty little secret in our family for a long long time and even now my mum doesn't like to talk about it much but I still see how it affects her- the constant worrying, hand washing, showering, checking etc. What a lot of people forget it our it effects the family members and friends, we have had so many arguments because my mum has insisted on things like throwing away a new pair of shoes I brought because she is adement that there is dog poo on the bottom (even though they had never been worn outside!) or using up all the hot water because she spent four hours in the shower scrubbing herself until she was bright red like a lobster. It's touch on her but it's also tough on us. Thank you for this insight x

    ReplyDelete

Blogger Template Created by pipdig