*Takes a deep breath* Hi, I'm Nicole, and I'm an outsider. An introvert and all around misfit! I don't have the same interests as most people my age; I don't enjoy what most people my age do, and I find it incredibly hard to make friends because of this.
I am an outsider, and I will tell you something; it's pretty tough! As a kid, I was a bit odd, but come on all the best kids are! I'm an only child I had to entertain myself some way! I used to entertain myself for hours playing witches, teachers or mums and dads with my teddies and dolls for company. I was a complete bookworm; I loved to write, draw and just genuinely be creative. I was my happiest with a jigsaw puzzle or colouring book in my hands!
I was a pretty normal kid in many aspects. I had friends; a small group of close nit friends who I enjoyed to play horses with or make birds nests with when the school field had just been cut! Don't laugh; I bet you did this too! I worked hard at school and did my best; it wasn't until year 11/ college that I realised how much of an outsider I was. I never fitted in with large friendship groups, no matter how hard I tried.
I honestly did try! I tried my hardest to make friends, but when all they were interested in was the latest eyebrow kit from Benefit or who they had been sleeping with, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I try to start conversations, but I just can't keep them up. I say something awkward and atmosphere just deteriorates like a deflated balloon. At the end of year 11, when everyone went for their annual piss up and camp out in the fields, I stayed at home and revised RE. Which was the GCSE I chose to do in my spare time and went to extra lessons for because well, I wanted to!
I know that just screams NERD, but seriously I couldn't fit in! There's very little I had in common with anyone my age! I struggle to leave the house sometimes, so going out to the latest restaurants or seeing the newest films didn't happen very often for me. You can imagine how the conversations went, as soon as they started. They ended. I don't know anything about the latest trends and didn't try to hide this fact. In school it was okay. It was my best friend and me. We were outsiders together and didn't care about people thought of us. We then went to college.
We went to the same college and everything, but because we did different subjects, we had different timetables and didn't see each other that often. Once I tried and failed to get on with anyone in the class, I became very lonely and isolated. I used to spend hours on end in the library, eating my lunch pretending to be working when actually I was just desperately lonely. I used to hide in the toilets before lessons, so I could minimise the time I spent with the rest of the waiting outside the room.
Do you know what was most painful? When everyone else walked in the class, they got greeted! They got a hello, a how are you? I got nothing! A deafening silence. Not even a hello! The whole class would be chatting about something, and there was me sat in the corner, headphones in, being ignored. I was scared, frightened and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Every single lesson.
Even when I met up with my best friend and her friends she had made, I couldn't join in. They would talk about all this stuff which I either A. Wasn't interested in, or B. Had no experience with so I couldn't join in. Instead, I would just sit staring at my phone, constantly pressing refresh, trying to look like I was doing something while everyone in the group thought I was rude and stuck up. I couldn't deal with it anymore so I started to spend more time alone, making excuses for why I couldn't meet up with them anymore.
The truth is that loneliness hurts. But the worst thing is that I know I am going to have to go through two more years of spending all my time alone in the library, hiding in the toilets, etc. When you go through something as traumatic and stressful as bullying, it has psychological impacts. I remember what they said to me, the words they spoke (and whispered) and the emotions I felt. Why would I put myself through that again? Of course, I don't want to! So the easiest thing to do is distant yourself from everyone around you.
Not only have I got to deal with my anxiety, low mood, I now have to deal with my OCD. My OCD started as a result of the bullying along with other things. People don't understand mental illness. It's embarrassing, and I am ashamed of the things I have to do to obey the bully inside my head. Internally, I'm praying. I'm praying that I find some people in my classes that I click with, but as they are all going to be younger than me and have their own friends already, I doubt this will happen. I pray that I get better, and I get my confidence back but at the moment it's at rock bottom. It's like learning to walk all over again, but first I have to start with crawling.
I don't want this post to be all negative, though. During the time that these horrible things were happening in my life, the blogging community pulled me through. When I was sat alone in the library, nearly in tears, someone would send me a message or tweet letting me know they enjoy my blog, or they hope I feel better soon, etc. When no one in real life understands my weird interests or passions in life, there's always someone on Twitter that will. I would just like to thank every single one of you for your continuous support, encouragement and kind words. I can't put into words how thankful I am for you guys during the last six months in particular. I'm going to need you guys a lot in the next couple of months. It's going to be hard, but I know there's always someone on Twitter for me to help get me through.
Being an outsider sucks. My friends live in different parts of the country and sometimes even the world. They can't physically be there for me when I'm being hurt by horrid people. I'm trying to stay strong, but when you have the emotional scars, it's a lot harder said than done.
Are you an outsider? Do you struggle with fitting in or making new friends? I would love to know in the comments below!
Thank you for reading, as always X