Thursday, 11 August 2016

What It Feels Like To Be An Outsider

What It Feels Like To Be An Outsider introvert blogger UK lifestyle
*Takes a deep breath* Hi, I'm Nicole, and I'm an outsider. An introvert and all around misfit! I don't have the same interests as most people my age; I don't enjoy what most people my age do, and I find it incredibly hard to make friends because of this.

I am an outsider, and I will tell you something; it's pretty tough! As a kid, I was a bit odd, but come on all the best kids are! I'm an only child I had to entertain myself some way! I used to entertain myself for hours playing witches, teachers or mums and dads with my teddies and dolls for company. I was a complete bookworm; I loved to write, draw and just genuinely be creative. I was my happiest with a jigsaw puzzle or colouring book in my hands! 

I was a pretty normal kid in many aspects. I had friends; a small group of close nit friends who I enjoyed to play horses with or make birds nests with when the school field had just been cut! Don't laugh; I bet you did this too! I worked hard at school and did my best; it wasn't until year 11/ college that I realised how much of an outsider I was. I never fitted in with large friendship groups, no matter how hard I tried. 


I honestly did try! I tried my hardest to make friends, but when all they were interested in was the latest eyebrow kit from Benefit or who they had been sleeping with, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I try to start conversations, but I just can't keep them up. I say something awkward and atmosphere just deteriorates like a deflated balloon. At the end of year 11, when everyone went for their annual piss up and camp out in the fields, I stayed at home and revised RE. Which was the GCSE I chose to do in my spare time and went to extra lessons for because well, I wanted to!

I know that just screams NERD, but seriously I couldn't fit in! There's very little I had in common with anyone my age! I struggle to leave the house sometimes, so going out to the latest restaurants or seeing the newest films didn't happen very often for me. You can imagine how the conversations went, as soon as they started. They ended. I don't know anything about the latest trends and didn't try to hide this fact. In school it was okay. It was my best friend and me. We were outsiders together and didn't care about people thought of us. We then went to college.

We went to the same college and everything, but because we did different subjects, we had different timetables and didn't see each other that often. Once I tried and failed to get on with anyone in the class, I became very lonely and isolated. I used to spend hours on end in the library, eating my lunch pretending to be working when actually I was just desperately lonely. I used to hide in the toilets before lessons, so I could minimise the time I spent with the rest of the waiting outside the room. 

Do you know what was most painful? When everyone else walked in the class, they got greeted! They got a hello, a how are you? I got nothing! A deafening silence. Not even a hello! The whole class would be chatting about something, and there was me sat in the corner, headphones in, being ignored. I was scared, frightened and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Every single lesson. 

What It Feels Like To Be An Outsider buzzfeed introvert UK lifestyle blogger
Even when I met up with my best friend and her friends she had made, I couldn't join in. They would talk about all this stuff which I either A. Wasn't interested in, or B. Had no experience with so I couldn't join in. Instead, I would just sit staring at my phone, constantly pressing refresh, trying to look like I was doing something while everyone in the group thought I was rude and stuck up. I couldn't deal with it anymore so I started to spend more time alone, making excuses for why I couldn't meet up with them anymore.

The truth is that loneliness hurts. But the worst thing is that I know I am going to have to go through two more years of spending all my time alone in the library, hiding in the toilets, etc. When you go through something as traumatic and stressful as bullying, it has psychological impacts. I remember what they said to me, the words they spoke (and whispered) and the emotions I felt. Why would I put myself through that again? Of course, I don't want to! So the easiest thing to do is distant yourself from everyone around you. 

What It Feels Like To Be An Outsider shy mental health lifestyle blogger UK
Not only have I got to deal with my anxiety, low mood, I now have to deal with my OCD. My OCD started as a result of the bullying along with other things. People don't understand mental illness. It's embarrassing, and I am ashamed of the things I have to do to obey the bully inside my head. Internally, I'm praying. I'm praying that I find some people in my classes that I click with, but as they are all going to be younger than me and have their own friends already, I doubt this will happen. I pray that I get better, and I get my confidence back but at the moment it's at rock bottom. It's like learning to walk all over again, but first I have to start with crawling. 

I don't want this post to be all negative, though. During the time that these horrible things were happening in my life, the blogging community pulled me through. When I was sat alone in the library, nearly in tears, someone would send me a message or tweet letting me know they enjoy my blog, or they hope I feel better soon, etc. When no one in real life understands my weird interests or passions in life, there's always someone on Twitter that will. I would just like to thank every single one of you for your continuous support, encouragement and kind words. I can't put into words how thankful I am for you guys during the last six months in particular. I'm going to need you guys a lot in the next couple of months. It's going to be hard, but I know there's always someone on Twitter for me to help get me through.

Being an outsider sucks. My friends live in different parts of the country and sometimes even the world. They can't physically be there for me when I'm being hurt by horrid people. I'm trying to stay strong, but when you have the emotional scars, it's a lot harder said than done.

Are you an outsider? Do you struggle with fitting in or making new friends? I would love to know in the comments below!

Thank you for reading, as always X
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37 comments

  1. This is the most relatable post I've read in such a long time! I'm Sarah and I too am an outsider! My interests, like you, have always differed from my friends and to start with many weren't accepting, thought I was a little odd but thankfully I've found friends that accept me for me and all my weird qualities and tendencies.

    There was a time when I felt alone; I'd stay in the classrooms at lunch times being too scared to even go outside being to scared of being judged. But after high school things got so much better and while, yes, sometimes I do still feel alone, I know that I have friends and family that love me :-)
    Sarah x
    http://www.saraheliza.co.uk/

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    1. aw thank you for your lovely comment x

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  2. I found myself nodding along to parts of this post - particularly going home when everyone else decided to go out drinking! There have been many times where I have felt like the odd one out and that I had nothing to contribute, or where I would spend break periods on my own too. Now I'm older I'm finding it easier to join groups and get involved with activities where I've found people with similar interests to me, which has been great! And good on you for sticking with your interests and doing what you love - staying true to yourself is really important :-)

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    1. aw thank you so much! Spending time on my own is hard but sometimes it's really needed x

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  3. This post is honrstly so relatable for me. Sometimes, I just sit in the toilet at break time, because I'm so scared to be outside, surrounded by people, who are probably going to judge me, or stare at me with a horrible expression on their face. I usually skip lunch, and I just stand there, in a friendship group where one girl pretty much hates me 95% of the time, and even though I'm listening, and I can kinda relate to some of what they're saying, some days I'm too upset and left out to even acknowledge them. Nicole, loneliness can be one of the worst feelings, particularly when everyone else seems to be consumed by happiness. I'm just glad I've only got Year 11 left, because then for sixth form, I hopefully won't have to see all of the judgemental people, and I can just do my own thing, and come in only on the days that I have to. I'm actually thinking of doing a post like this myself now, because you have totally inspired me. I'm always here for you beautiful. Stay strong. We can do this together. I always go on my Twitter, or social media when I'm lonely, even if I have to pretend, and just play with my hair. But, now I can talk to you instead. I love you loads xxxx

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    1. aw lovely! I am so sorry to hear you have had to go through the same as me! I am sure college will be loads better for you x

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  4. You are all so supportive if each other this is amazing:). Nicole, you have such great community here behind you ready to build you up ! Know that you are loved beyond words! I'm so touched with how relatable you are because I always felt this loneliness non stop in middle school and high school as well.

    Nikki O. | www.herdaringthoughts.blogspot.com

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  5. I was an outsider in school, and to an extent I still am now in uni. I don't really fit in with the more popular ones and I just tend to bumble along alone. I know it can be terribly lonely, but sometimes I didn't mind it too much.

    Emily x | emilyclairewrites.com

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    1. I am the same, sometimes loneliness is okay

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  6. You're not on your own <3 I loved this post, very easy for me to relate to and I think you're wonderful :)
    www.elliswoolley.blogspot.com

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  7. I developed chronic anxiety in my late 20's and became an outsider because I could no longer do all the "normal" things my friends did. So weirdly, I have been both insider and outsider. I now find it harder to connect with people because I don't go out much, and don't share many interests with lots of people my own age. However, I think I have a lot more insight into myself, other people, and the world because standing on the outside allows you to observe. I really enjoyed your blog!
    -Daisy
    daisygardner.com

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    1. Thank you so much! I suffer with anxiety, OCD, depression, low mood so making friends and wanting to be around others is a challenge but I know how you feel x

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  8. I can relate to this post. Like you, my friends live all around the world so I'm trying to make new friends in the city where I live. But its so hard. I've spent nights crying because I wished that my interests were like everyone else's so that people at my work wouldn't think I was the weird, awkward girl. T_T

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    1. aw bless you! I am sure you will make lots of new friends soon with the same interests as you xx

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  9. I don't feel like an outsider because I was really lucky to find some friends who liked the same weird things as me, but it is so lovely to hear that the blogging community has helped you, I hope that everything gets better in the next year, love you xx
    http://blossomofhope.blogspot.com/

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  10. Nice post, I'm an outsider too and I like it!
    xx

    Mia | my-world-vibes.blogspot.com

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  11. This is really relatable to me too. School was a really hard time for me and the school always made it harder. Their way to try and combat the fact I was shy was to separate me from the few friends I did have and put me in classes with nobody I knew! This obviously just made me even quieter. And the bit about walking in the classroom and nobody caring and just sitting silently in a corner was me all the time. I don't really know what I ever did wrong. Mean girls just always found a way to turn anything I said against me, so I learnt to just stop saying anything.

    I'm still a very quiet person that's terrible in social situations. But university really helped me a lot. I had one terrible year which then pushed me to start fresh the next year. I literally forced myself to socialise with as many people as I could until I managed to find the ones I clicked with.
    It can be a pretty lonely world sometimes.But then I also think it's a good skill to learn, how to be okay on your own.

    Rhi | shylittlemess.com

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    1. aw lovely, I am glad you have found friends you clicked with in the end! Learning to be okay on my own is something I work on everyday :)

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  12. I absolutely loved this post, its relatable for I don't have loads of friends but based on the fact I don't want to go out and get drunk, sleep with ten different boys but luckily I did click with three people in my year but doubt I ever would of done at college. I hope you do get your confidence back and find some people to trust and be friends with in your new classes xx

    katielou99.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. aw thank you so much! Let's hope so x

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  13. I think you might be surprised just how many people do relate to this, even the ones who aren't full 'outsiders'. I have an amazing group of friends and though I'm completely shy around new people, I can deal with the stress of trying to keep up with their conversations. And yet I still do things that are totally introverted and 'outsider' - like waiting to turn up to choir until the last minute so that I don't have to talk to anyone before practice. Or ensuring that I go for lunch on my own so I don't have to be 'on' and talking to someone else.

    Maybe we all have a bit of 'outsider' in us, but some definitely more than others. I think I'm somewhere in the middle!

    Loved the post - and beautifully written too!

    Lisa | www.farawaylisamae.com

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    1. aw thank you so much!I am actually really surprised how many people have said they have been through similar, I thought it was just me x

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  14. I totally related to and loved this post, funnily enough I fitted in quite well in school it's actually as an adult where my tastes and priorities have changed that I've found myself very much an outsider and very much alone, don't get me wrong I have an amazing fiancé and family but I do find it hard to make friends because I never have enough in common, I like science but I don't know enough to join a club and although I get on with everyone struggle to click with anyone long term! This post made me feel happier about being different and happier about being me- so thankyou �� Xx

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    1. aw I am so glad this post made you feel a little bit less alone x

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  15. I feel like I"m a little older than you, so maybe I'll be able to offer a little advice and speak with older wisdom (ha 0 I wish!). I can certainly relate to feeling the outsider. In school, I was never in the "popular" crowd. I was lucky to find a group of friends (the drama crowd) who I hung out with from about halfway through school, but I always kinda felt like the one who was only there because they were being kind.
    After leaving school I was the same. I left uni because I just didn't fit in there and then all through my 20's I just felt like a fish out of water. I wasn't interested in going out clubbing, dating or other traditional 20-something interests. I married my only serious boyfriend at 22, had my first child at 24 and feel like I've been eternally 35 inside. (So I'm catching up with myself!)
    Having said all that, the internet wasn't half as big back then, and nowadays I find tons of people who have similar interests to me and have similar life stories and I wish I could have connected with them sooner. I don't feel so "outside" any more.
    You have your blog, and hopefully that will help you to meet people who share your thoughts and feelings and allow you to feel like you have a place where you belong. Just looking at some of the comments above lets me see there are plenty of people who can understand and show support.
    Hope this comment doesn't come across as too preachy - I was aiming for hopeful! Hope you find your little comfortable space soon!

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    1. aw thank you! No it didn't come across as preachy at all, it was really helpful! Thank you xx

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  16. I absolutely loved this post&can really relate to this.
    You're not alone xx

    Tajaljeh // https://lifeastajaljeh.blogspot.si/

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  17. This post is so relateable, I'm an outsider always have been. I find it hard to make friends unless someone starts talking to me first, and my interests in blogging and K-pop, that no one in real life really understands, probably make it that little more tricky. You're not alone ^_^ xx

    Sophie | Sophie's Spot

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    1. aw lovely! I am glad you found this post realateable though x

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  18. I don't think playing witches or loving reading makes you a weird kid ;) if it does I was deffo weird (and the rest haha). I had an awful time in sixth form too, was bullied badly, which really started way back in year 10/11. It's a long not very comfortable story I won't go into. It sucks being that alone though. I used to eat my lunch in the study room and the thought of moving away to uni was the only thing that kept me going! Three years later I have a great degree, life experience, a few good friends, a wonderful partner, yet I'm still plagued by nightmares, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, memory loss... etc. Starting therapy soon though :))

    I wish I had been there with you in college/sixth form. I would have been sat in the corner with you, awkwardly avoiding everyone. Sending love and good vibes xxx

    Amber Love Blog

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    1. aw thank you so much! I really wish you were there with me! I am sorry to hear that you have had to go through something similar! I hope your therapy helps though xx

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  19. Hi Nicole, I'm 42 and am just coming to terms with a realisation that I have aspergers. I've just read the book aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It was like reading my biography! I've never fitted in and been exasperated and exhausted by this. I don't understand why I don't fit in. Well the book has so started to help me understand why and to start help me come to terms with it. I don't want to change. I like who I am frankly. But what I want to do is work out how to make the next 40 years happy & healthy. Good luck on your journey. I'll be following xx

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