Thursday 4 August 2016

My First Therapy Experience And Why I Am Taking A Break

Hi. Hello. Howdy. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. How are you? Aw, that's great to hear. How I'm I? Well, I'm not good! Surprise surprise! Things have got worse. A lot worse. And I think it's about time I explain what the hell is going on. I want to let you know what's been going on in my life recently and why I am going. (Not forever, just for a little while) 

When I was asked to fill in a depression, anxiety and phobia questionnaire during my first therapy session, I filled in 'nearly everyday' or 'more than half of the days' for nearly every question which really opened my eyes and made me realise how shit my life is right now. I started to realise that everything was more of a problem than I was admitting it was. 

If you watched my Snapchat story (thriftyvintage in case you are wondering) before I went to my therapy session, you would know that I was incredibly nervous. I really struggled to put how nervous I was into words. I was worried about everything. How was I going to tell a complete stranger my deepest darkest fears and thoughts when I couldn't even tell my parents? What was she going to be like? Could I trust her? Was she going to judge me? These worries and fears kept going around and around my head. 

Do you know what? It went really well! She was a lovely lady who was really understanding, supportive and completely got me. She even mentioned how OCD is portrayed so poorly in the media, and I was like YES MATE! Anyway, I had 40 minutes to talk about my feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Although we couldn't cover everything obviously, I said things out loud which I have never told anyone else before. It felt so good!

Although I've only had one session, I already feel like I have learnt a lot about myself and by the end, I'm sure it will feel like I have Ph.D. in myself! Which is so weird. But anyway, it was really helpful, I felt comfortable talking to her, and she gave me lots of leaflets and information to leave with. Which included a leaflet with a referral to a private OCD course I could go on which you could only find out via going to one of these sessions.

I had previously turned down opportunities to go to on these type of courses which are open to everyone just because I didn't like the idea of them being in a group and none were directly linked to OCD, so I didn't see the point. Ironically I got anxious about going to something that would make me less anxious. Ohhh.. Nicole! So when she said there was one specifically for OCD I was delighted and really wanted to go. This is where it started to go wrong.

The first session is on Friday the 26th of August. At first, I was worried about getting there. It's in a different town to where I live; meaning that I would have to get two buses but I didn't know what bus I needed and where I needed to go and if there was a bus stop or if the timetables would work! I got pretty stressed. Which is an understatement, I came home and burst into tears. 

My dad sorted something out with his work so he will be able to take me and take me back to college when the session has finished! Ah, college! This course starts at the end of August and lasts for six weeks. Which means it happens when I'm at college. Will college let me go? Obviously, I still don't have the answer to this question, and I won't do until I go back on the 7th September. I know it's not ideal to miss a morning once a week but I need to get better, and I'm just praying they understand.

Okay, so the problems have been resolved. Right? Wrong! We had booked a short midweek break so we would go away the 25th and come back the 26th but the session starts at 9:30 and it's just not possible. BLOODY HELL! We tried moving the date, no luck. In the end, we had to cancel the holiday and stay somewhere else on a different day. The trip was non-refundable. I had made my parent's loose money! Do you know how guilty this made me feel? I cried and cried and cried some more. 

It's all sorted now, and although I'm terrified about starting this course, I'm also looking forward to trying to make steps towards recovery. Because I can't do it alone. So everything is Hunky Dory! Wrong! This week I've been in thinking about my blog a lot, what direction I want to take it in, why I'm not happy with it anymore even though it's grown exponentially over the last month or so. 

I tried to find a solution. I thought there was something wrong with what I was doing or how I was working, but it turns out; I'm the problem. You see when you're a blogger; it's not just the blog posts you have to worry about its being online constantly. I have to be constantly talking and chatting to everyone, helping my blog and social media presence as much as possible. Although this is very enjoyable, I'm just not in the right place right now.

I can't remember the last day I didn't cry or get upset at something. I love my blog and the blogging community to pieces, but it's not just helping at the moment. I always feel so negative and everything is so forced. I feel like I have to talk to people, or I have to comment on people's blog posts and to be honest I don't want to do any of it. Not because I don't like you guys, I'm just not in the right mindset. 

Although I'm an organisation queen, and I like to think I'm superwomen. I'm really not at all. I am really really really struggling to cope. My mood and physical health have deteriorated rapidly over the last couple of weeks. I think it's my bodies way of saying I need a break. A proper break. But it's so hard! It's so bloody hard to let go of something I love so much. But I have to do it; otherwise, the hard work and effort will mean nothing in 20 years because I won't be here. 

So what the hell is going to happen Nicole? Well, you probably won't notice much for the next couple of weeks. I have lots of scheduled content that I'm quite proud off, and I don't want to go to waste. There should be a post going up every other day or so. If I am doing a collab with you during August; that will be going ahead as normal and so will all the #SpeakUp posts. 

What I am going to do is get off social media. Yep, I said it. I'm not going to be on Twitter much or Snapchat. I won't be reading blog posts if I don't want to. I won't be joining in Twitter chats if I'm not feeling it and I won't be putting pressure on myself to reply to comments so quickly.

Instead, I'm going to be concentrating on college and recovery. I'm going to making sure I am still doing my best at college work and getting myself better. I want to spend more time looking after myself. I need more down time, doing the things I enjoy and I miss doing. Which includes; reading, photography, and writing. I'm still going to be writing blog posts which will go up when I want, not when I feel pressured too. 

If I speak to you a lot via Twitter already, I am happy for you to DM me your number and I will text you. I still want to keep in contact with as many of you as possible while I am silent on social media. 

I can't stay how long I'm going to be gone for because I honestly don't know. I love you all dearly but I have to put what's more important first and unfortunately, that isn't my blog. 

So quick recap; first therapy session went well, on the way to recovery but I need some time out. My blog will be carrying on semi-normally but I will be more distant.

I hope you all understand.

Stay strong, as always X
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