Thursday, 4 August 2016

My First Therapy Experience And Why I Am Taking A Break

Hi. Hello. Howdy. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. How are you? Aw, that's great to hear. How I'm I? Well, I'm not good! Surprise surprise! Things have got worse. A lot worse. And I think it's about time I explain what the hell is going on. I want to let you know what's been going on in my life recently and why I am going. (Not forever, just for a little while) 

When I was asked to fill in a depression, anxiety and phobia questionnaire during my first therapy session, I filled in 'nearly everyday' or 'more than half of the days' for nearly every question which really opened my eyes and made me realise how shit my life is right now. I started to realise that everything was more of a problem than I was admitting it was. 

If you watched my Snapchat story (thriftyvintage in case you are wondering) before I went to my therapy session, you would know that I was incredibly nervous. I really struggled to put how nervous I was into words. I was worried about everything. How was I going to tell a complete stranger my deepest darkest fears and thoughts when I couldn't even tell my parents? What was she going to be like? Could I trust her? Was she going to judge me? These worries and fears kept going around and around my head. 

Do you know what? It went really well! She was a lovely lady who was really understanding, supportive and completely got me. She even mentioned how OCD is portrayed so poorly in the media, and I was like YES MATE! Anyway, I had 40 minutes to talk about my feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Although we couldn't cover everything obviously, I said things out loud which I have never told anyone else before. It felt so good!

Although I've only had one session, I already feel like I have learnt a lot about myself and by the end, I'm sure it will feel like I have Ph.D. in myself! Which is so weird. But anyway, it was really helpful, I felt comfortable talking to her, and she gave me lots of leaflets and information to leave with. Which included a leaflet with a referral to a private OCD course I could go on which you could only find out via going to one of these sessions.

I had previously turned down opportunities to go to on these type of courses which are open to everyone just because I didn't like the idea of them being in a group and none were directly linked to OCD, so I didn't see the point. Ironically I got anxious about going to something that would make me less anxious. Ohhh.. Nicole! So when she said there was one specifically for OCD I was delighted and really wanted to go. This is where it started to go wrong.

The first session is on Friday the 26th of August. At first, I was worried about getting there. It's in a different town to where I live; meaning that I would have to get two buses but I didn't know what bus I needed and where I needed to go and if there was a bus stop or if the timetables would work! I got pretty stressed. Which is an understatement, I came home and burst into tears. 

My dad sorted something out with his work so he will be able to take me and take me back to college when the session has finished! Ah, college! This course starts at the end of August and lasts for six weeks. Which means it happens when I'm at college. Will college let me go? Obviously, I still don't have the answer to this question, and I won't do until I go back on the 7th September. I know it's not ideal to miss a morning once a week but I need to get better, and I'm just praying they understand.

Okay, so the problems have been resolved. Right? Wrong! We had booked a short midweek break so we would go away the 25th and come back the 26th but the session starts at 9:30 and it's just not possible. BLOODY HELL! We tried moving the date, no luck. In the end, we had to cancel the holiday and stay somewhere else on a different day. The trip was non-refundable. I had made my parent's loose money! Do you know how guilty this made me feel? I cried and cried and cried some more. 

It's all sorted now, and although I'm terrified about starting this course, I'm also looking forward to trying to make steps towards recovery. Because I can't do it alone. So everything is Hunky Dory! Wrong! This week I've been in thinking about my blog a lot, what direction I want to take it in, why I'm not happy with it anymore even though it's grown exponentially over the last month or so. 

I tried to find a solution. I thought there was something wrong with what I was doing or how I was working, but it turns out; I'm the problem. You see when you're a blogger; it's not just the blog posts you have to worry about its being online constantly. I have to be constantly talking and chatting to everyone, helping my blog and social media presence as much as possible. Although this is very enjoyable, I'm just not in the right place right now.

I can't remember the last day I didn't cry or get upset at something. I love my blog and the blogging community to pieces, but it's not just helping at the moment. I always feel so negative and everything is so forced. I feel like I have to talk to people, or I have to comment on people's blog posts and to be honest I don't want to do any of it. Not because I don't like you guys, I'm just not in the right mindset. 

Although I'm an organisation queen, and I like to think I'm superwomen. I'm really not at all. I am really really really struggling to cope. My mood and physical health have deteriorated rapidly over the last couple of weeks. I think it's my bodies way of saying I need a break. A proper break. But it's so hard! It's so bloody hard to let go of something I love so much. But I have to do it; otherwise, the hard work and effort will mean nothing in 20 years because I won't be here. 

So what the hell is going to happen Nicole? Well, you probably won't notice much for the next couple of weeks. I have lots of scheduled content that I'm quite proud off, and I don't want to go to waste. There should be a post going up every other day or so. If I am doing a collab with you during August; that will be going ahead as normal and so will all the #SpeakUp posts. 

What I am going to do is get off social media. Yep, I said it. I'm not going to be on Twitter much or Snapchat. I won't be reading blog posts if I don't want to. I won't be joining in Twitter chats if I'm not feeling it and I won't be putting pressure on myself to reply to comments so quickly.

Instead, I'm going to be concentrating on college and recovery. I'm going to making sure I am still doing my best at college work and getting myself better. I want to spend more time looking after myself. I need more down time, doing the things I enjoy and I miss doing. Which includes; reading, photography, and writing. I'm still going to be writing blog posts which will go up when I want, not when I feel pressured too. 

If I speak to you a lot via Twitter already, I am happy for you to DM me your number and I will text you. I still want to keep in contact with as many of you as possible while I am silent on social media. 

I can't stay how long I'm going to be gone for because I honestly don't know. I love you all dearly but I have to put what's more important first and unfortunately, that isn't my blog. 

So quick recap; first therapy session went well, on the way to recovery but I need some time out. My blog will be carrying on semi-normally but I will be more distant.

I hope you all understand.

Stay strong, as always X


  1. Aw Nicole, I'm so pleased you went to therapy and found it so helpful! I've been in and out of therapy for two and half years now, every time I go I learn so much about myself and it's honestly the most helpful thing ever. I'm glad you're going to try an OCD course and hope it will helpful to you. I'm so sorry to hear you've had some difficulties with trying to attend the course, but I'm hopeful that the college will let you go if it's regards to your well being and health, as well as hoping your parents will be understanding about having to miss out on going away. With regards to your blog, I've also been feeling the exact same way with mine. With how I feel with my mental health, I have found it so hard to comment on blog's lately and be active on social media because I've been feeling so down. My DM's are always open if you need to have a chat to someone new about your situation, as I'd love to help you as much as I can because I've been through and going through similiar things to yourself. Of course, everyone is different and no pressure, but I just want you to know that I'm here and you're 100% not alone with your battle against mental health. I wish you all the best with your course and getting yourself back on track, even if it's small steps and hard to do, I believe in you and you can do it:)xx

    Lauren |

    1. aw thank you so much for your kind words Lauren, as always they never go unnoticed! I am looking forward to starting this course as I think it's going to be really beneficial for me xx

  2. You are most definitely doing the right thing Nicole! Take as much time as you need to recover because the only thing that matters is YOU! Enjoy doing the things that make you happy that you haven't had time to do it-it'll feel great to get back to it! We're all completely behind you! I'm so glad the session went well and it was helpful and hope you continue to find it that way! You know where am if you need to chat but in the meantime please know that I'm thinking of you!
    Sending you all my love!
    Best Wishes,
    Robyn xx

    1. aw thank you so much Robyn! You are always so kind and supportive! It means the world xx

  3. Health is the most important thing, do not worry about anything but getting better.

  4. Take all the time you need and focus entirely on yourself! Do not worry about anything except you! I'm always happy to chat if you need to.

    Tash xx

  5. I'm so glad your first therapy session went well and you were able to talk to her openly. I've been to a few counseling sessions and I always just find it so awkward to open up to a stranger. It might be a long road to recovery and be difficult, but your health and wellbeing is worth it. Don't feel bad about stepping away from blogging and social media. I hope you're able to start improving your mental health and that college goes well!

    - Courtney

  6. I'm glad you're doing things for yourself! Best of luck with all your therapy and don't feel guilyu about anything to do with blogging, it will still be here if/when you're ready! You'll manage it properly one day soon.
    Rachel // Rachel Ellen

  7. I am so glad that your therapy session went well for you. And your health is the most important thing and it's good to take time away to focus on yourself. I hope things start getting better for you soon and college goes well!!
    Hollie xx

  8. So glad the therapy went okay! I hope your break off social media goes well and helps you focus on your health and school work xx

  9. I'm so so glad your first therapy session was a good experience! I'm so proud of you for taking this break & doing what feels right for you - your health is the most important thing x


  10. So glad therapy went well, and it will definitely only get better. Taking time out to focus on yourself is SO important, and I really wish you all the best. I just want to give you a hug! Sending you so many good vibes & hoping it's only up from here! <3

    - Erin ( xx

  11. Well done for looking after yourself and putting your health and wellbeing first! Your blog will still be here, as will we, to welcome you back with open arms.
    I know first-hand that it's really difficult to give things up when you're struggling with mental illness because there's a lot of 'I should..', 'I ought to...' so I really admire you for taking a step back to let yourself sort things out. You've got this :).
    I'm really glad the therapy you've had so far has been very helpful and I hope the course goes well for you too!

    Sending you much positivity and well-wishes.

    Nicky xx |

  12. Your health is always the most important thing, I hope the OCD sessions help you out and can get you on the right tracks - honestly, time can heal a lot of things so just taking a break might be really worth while. I wish you all the best for now x

    Lucy | Forever September

  13. I'm so happy to hear that your first therapy appointment went so well & that it's easy to talk to your therapist :) It's a massive thing to go to your first therapy appointment and you should be super proud of yourself for taking a step in the right direction towards your recovery. I'm proud of you! Also, that's great news about the course for OCD and I know you're experiencing lots of anxiety surrounding it, but it should be really helpful for you, so awesome that you are probably going! It will be sad to not see you around as much, but I'm happy that you are putting your mental health first and having a break to focus on yourself for a while. We will all be here for you when you come back. Stay Strong x

    Sarah | Raiin Monkey

    1. Thank you so much, it truly means a lot to me x

  14. Glad to hear that your therapy session went well, and don't forget that all of us in the blogging community are here for you!
    Health is the most important thing, so take care of yourself lovely!
    Chloe :)

  15. It wasn't until I filled out a low mood/anxiety form that I realised the scale of how bad things had gotten for me too. I'm glad to hear you are taking this time for yourself and making sure you feel better above everything else! Sending hugs :-)

    1. Thank you so much! I know those forms can tell you so much about yourself x

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